Hell-bent on streamlining Catholicism, Pope Leo XIV has recruited the world’s foremost efficiency expert.
Elon Musk now heads the Vatican’s new Department of Papal Efficiency (DOPE)—and he’s meeting the challenge with religious fervor.
Appearing alongside the pontiff today, Musk outlined his plans to reinvigorate the business of faith.
Starting in the fall, local churches will no longer accept cash, moving to a digital tithing system. Only PayPal and Venmo will be accepted.
Previously free services, like Sunday Mass and visits to confession, will become pay-for-play, with surge pricing during times of crisis.
The gas-guzzling PopeMobile is going electric with a custom Cybertruck. The Vatican declined to comment when asked if it will be equipped with Tesla’s new defensive systems.
Over at The Vatican Store, merch is already flying off the shelf as MAGA takes on a whole new meaning—“Make Apostlery Great Again!”
