Staying on-brand, DOGE has fired 20,000 rangers in the National Park Service. This time it isn’t for poor performance—it’s for being human.
“It’s just the Replacement Theory in action,” says Elon Musk. “We’ve replaced employees who squander valuable time eating and sleeping with a far more efficient team of robots.”
Serendipitously, these are Tesla-engineered Optimus robots, re-named RangerBots in their new roles. It took only 5,000 RangerBots to replace the 20,000 human rangers now foraging for food, saving billions overnight.
Typically humble, Musk does admit, “Mistakes will be made, but we will correct them quickly.” A good thing, given that glitches have already been reported.
In Yellowstone National Park, a fast-thinking RangerBot plugged Old Faithful, mistakenly believing that earth had sprung a leak.
In Volcano National Park, a young family was led to a lava pool instead of a wading pool, where a helpful RangerBot insisted that the children dip their toes.
In Grand Canyon National Park, a wildfire-wary RangerBot called in a “full-body foam deployment” against a couple quietly enjoying their campfire.
“Once our Replacement Theory becomes Replacement Fact,” says Musk, “we will deploy it in other branches of government where robots can easily out-perform their human counterparts.
CabinetBots are currently being developed to serve in the Trump Administration.
